I was watching a re-run of Sir David Attenborough’s “Africa” last night and it got me thinking about the all these bearded creatures that look legit. I guess each of these bearded beauties would use their facial hair to attract a mate. It got me thinking would these animals attract a mate easier if they were to use Milkman beard oil? While we haven’t done a study our hypothesis would be yes and to quote Futurama these animals would have “died from crushed pelvis”. We thought we would break down some of our favorite bearded animals and try and give them a human equivalent.
One of the most iconic bearded animals is the goat. So famous in fact the goatee style of beard is named after it. If the goat were a person I think it would either be a jazz musician or a beat poet from the 60s, due to their visual style and there seemingly erratic and non-structured bleating.
Being an Australian beard oil company, our product formulations are made with the Australian climate in mind. One such famous bearded Australian is the Bearded Dragon. Bearded dragons will fluff their beard to appear bigger to predators. In much the same way a beard human male will fluff their beard to an imposter trying to hit on their partner. I feel like if the bearded dragon were a person it would be Russel Coight from all aussie adventures due to his spiky stubble.
Probably the most famous bearded monkey, the Tamarin indigenous to South and Central America is famous for its iconic white beard/moustache combo almost like an inverted Dali moustache. Due to their unique features, small size and epic facial hair they are a very desirable pet to be traded on the black market. If you are thinking about acquiring one to keep as a pet, don’t leave the little guys alone.
In Japanese mythology, the Namazu is a giant catfish that can cause earthquakes. I wonder if that was Tarantino's inspiration for the character of Pai Mei in Kill Bill, as the character's facial hair resembles that of a catfish. Or maybe I'm just reading too deep into the fact that if a catfish were a person it would be Master Pai Mei. Either way I'm sure we can agree that it’s one interesting and creepy looking fish.
The Borneo Bearded Pig
If every bearded animal had a human likeness then the Bearded Pig would definitely be that old guy at the pub that tries to talk to you about his glory days when he was your age. As his beard is unkempt and a bit manic you listen anyway because he was either telling the truth and really was a bad ass or he is genuinely crazy and therefore you don’t want to upset him. Either way, beard on my Bearded Pig friend!
While turkey is a good eating bird it is not the most attractive avian creature. They have quite a rude head, sound ridiculous and have a beard that is not doing it any favors. A turkey is the animal equivalent of a mate that can’t grow a beard but tries anyway with very little success. If you were ever stranded on a desert island and had to eat a friend consider eating him. Turkey is delicious so perhaps there is a link between poor beard game and the quality of meat.
Although it has a German sounding name I feel as though if these dogs could talk they would have a very proper English accent. There is a something about them that makes me think they are a well refined, polite doorman or busboy, that says “sir” or “my lady” a lot and is always apologizing. Did I go too deep in anthropomorphizing this little guy or am I onto something here?
How can something so big and muscular have such dainty feet? I guess, this creature's epic beard makes up in man points and distracts from its baby feet. While the character doesn’t have a beard I feel like bison is best represented by the cartoon character Johnny Bravo, with a big head and a body that tapers down to teeny little feet.
No animal beard list would be complete without the male lion. Powerful, proud and fearless, there is no contest in the beauty and majesty of this creature. I feel like if any actor could be called lion it would be the Kristofer Hivju. You may know him as Tormund Giantsbane from Game of Thrones.
Animal from the muppets
In the Muppets, Kermit is a frog, Miss Piggy is obviously a pig, Rizzo is clearly a rat and then there is “Animal”. All we really know is that he plays drums in the band “Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem”. The only human likeness I could find online would be the drummer from some hardcore band called Pop Evil. I think it’s pretty spot on.
If you liked this article then please feel free to comment, like and share it. And if there are any other animals with beards that you think we missed then let us know in the comments.
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Author: Kareem Ghaly
Ed: Ben De Campo