1. When did you decide to grow it?
When I decided to become a man.2. How long have you been growing it for?
Since I came into this world, screaming and crying.3. Is it always itchy?
It was itchy a long time ago my friend, but now it feels like cotton candy (thanks to beard oil).4. Why is it patchy?
Some hair falls out when I’m around annoying people.5. Does your face get hot?
Does your head?6. Can I touch it?
Um okay, let me just get it out for you... Oh you mean my beard?7. Have you ever thought about shaving it?
When pigs fly.8. Do you give people rashes when you kiss them?
Do you want to find out?9. Why is it a different colour to your hair?
I could bore you with science – it’s called pigmentation…10. Do you get food stuck in it?
All the time. I save the crumbs for later.11. Is there a baby face under there?
I guess we’ll find out when pigs fly.12. Are you a hipster?
Please leave.13. How do you keep girls away?
It’s hard but you just have to run.14. Do you get stopped at airports?
This beard gets me into first class, no bag check.15. Do people respect you more?
They don’t respect me, they respect the beard.16. Do you remember what your face looks like?
This is my face.17. Would you have to shave for a job interview?
A job with no beard is no job for me.18. Can you give me some tips?
Pretend you’ve forgotten to shave for a few months.19. Do you have to clean it?
Only when it gets dirty.20. Do you notice it on your face?
Seriously, what kind of question is that?21. Did you lose your razor?
I never had one.